Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
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