I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
