i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
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