my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
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