So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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