it wasn't lemon gatorade
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Randomize
