the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Randomize
