I queefed so loud it echoed.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
