Can i not drive my cunt home
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
