How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
This is the high leading the old right now
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
Randomize
