the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
