i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
