I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
