The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
