Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
