my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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