Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Randomize
