The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
