ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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