he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
