Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Randomize
