I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Randomize
