I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
