NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
