Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
