In America we eat man semen.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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