update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
