I could make wine with my vomit
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
