we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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