Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
