I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Randomize
