Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
