So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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