3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
