You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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