dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
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