Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
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