just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Randomize
