I like my sex mixed with concussions.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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