It's Friday. Sex?
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
