Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
