New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
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