I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
My orgasm happened in two different decades
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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