Just mADE A PArabola og urine
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
Randomize
