I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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