no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Randomize
