Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
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