I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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