Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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