Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
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